I'm most resistant to giving myself what I need when I most need it.
When I feel that I don't have the capacity to be generous or graceful, it usually means that I'm depleted in some way. What I need in those moments is love & tenderness. Especially from me.
Yet, those are the moments I am punitive with myself. I must have caused the bad feelings, so I'm bad. If I was "better", I wouldn't be feeling like this.
It's easiest to make this go away by making it someone else's fault. "Those people suck. That's why I feel this way". It's a cop out so I don't have to face what's inside my head.
To stay in a practice of turning the spotlight back on myself (especially when I find myself turning it on others) takes an enormous amount of discipline.
It also requires a commitment to deep self-love. Which is difficult for me. I chip away at it, little by little, one gentle affirmation at a time.
One meditation session, one prayer, one smile in the mirror at a time.